I’ve had dreams where I wander into situations that in waking life would be down right terrifying. In the dream state, I just am. There is no fear or thinking. There is just moving through whatever scene I happen to be in. Sometimes, I become aware in these dreams and I become curious about my lack of fear and my ability to just be solely focused taking part in whatever role I’m playing. The sun is often shining and there is a sense of infinity about the presence that just is not perturbed in any way by the scene.
As I think about it honestly, I walk into many of the scenes of my life and play the roles that I play, not with a sense of indifference but with a wholeness and sense of ever-present-ness. I can’t explain it. There is a part of me that plays witness to all that I perceive. It is a quiet and powerful part of me that is unruffled by the trials and tribulations of the ego. It is non-competitive but just present. It is this part of me that has allowed me to face some harrowing ordeals in my present-waking life. It is that part of me that stands in the storm thinking, “okay, so this is a storm.”
When I can recognize this state of presence, I’m not caught up in the drama of life. I can watch it not as a non-participant unattached and in woeful psychological denial, but as a participant fully present with infinite-seeming awareness that is pointedly focused. In this place of presence, there is no fear and no anxiety. There is no desire, there is no second guessing or worry about good enough or not good enough. There is scene and role. There is motion and sensing. There is action but also-always extreme presence.
If I think about it too much, I begin to worry that maybe I’m doing this wrong, maybe I should be upset or I should fight back or well, whatever the normal human mind tries to come up with in judgment. I observe this part of me too and another part of me knows just to witness those thoughts without sinking into them. Maybe nothing surprises me any more? Maybe I’ve seen so much that I just don’t react the same way any more? Maybe, just maybe, I’m doing it right after all.?! With such thoughts the witness in me stays ever-present, ever-neutral without a single ounce of judgment. It is a magnanimous feeling place – it’s is like the perfect supportive character within. It is wholly unconditionally present. Curious maybe? Knowing, a bit, maybe? Caring some, yes, certainly. But, never does that place within me succumb to egotistical emotion.
These facets I observe – the anxious and worried me, the fearful me, the confident me, the questioning me, the faithful and loyal me, the helping me…all of these facets are present in every moment. It is just that in some moments the different facets take in and refract the light. I still revel in the colors of the sunrise, a starry sky, a baby’s cry or the purr of a kitten. A ways now past mid point in my life and all of those scenes and facets expressed, I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter its present state…aging, battle scared and still supporting me.
Life is so funny. It is truly like a dream and we can dive into the deep end of it and learn to swim. We can flail at the surface or sink deep with that scary lack-of-oxygen feeling. We can let go, relax into the flow of it all and just watch what unfolds and accept what comes. We can fight, seek to control scenes and other actors or we can just see, experience and feel for the energy vibrating constantly beneath the superficial emotion of it all. The TV can’t really tell us what our lives should be like, nor can our parents, friends or adversaries. Your life is your dream and however you dream it is perfect in this much bigger sense. There is a long game at play here and when you realize that and tap into the energy of that, you actually have more freedom to move from dreamscape to dreamscape enjoying the show for what it truly is so-to-speak. Life is amazing and so very truly so. I’m grateful for every experience in this life with the good actors and bad actors as judged by my ego. My former selves did their parts perfectly with no need to worry or regret how their roles were played. Well played self. You’ve had a marvelous life of experiencing perception and finding beauty along the way. It’s time for more coffee and to better appreciate this newly rising sun. May your wanderings be fruitful and ultimately, enjoyable. Bless.
© 2018 Jaie Hart (Photo and Words)